“I think we all wish we could erase some dark times in our lives. But all of life's experiences, bad and good, make you who you are. Erasing any of life's experiences would be a great mistake.” ~Luis Miguel, singer

I had an interesting conversation with my sister yesterday morning  before work. We were talking about how the things you experience as a child (death, abuse, parental relationships, etc.) inevitably influence you as an adult. Of course, this does not mean that people are entitled to use these as excuses for acting however they please—I can not, for example, say that because I lost my mother at eighteen I am allowed to be angry and emotionally closed off. But the truth is, these factors absolutely influence peoples’ personality and outlook, as well as their interactions with others, and these issues should always be considered when dealing with them.

In my life and relationships, I hope that the people who love me can take my history into account in their dealings with me, and not excuse all of my behavior because of it, but use it to help them see me in a gentler way. I try to do this with Boyfriend as well. I understand that a lot has gone into making him into the person he is now, and while most of these qualities are positive, there are a few residual effects that make certain times with him challenging. When I get frustrated with him I tell myself to be patient and gentle at times when he can’t be. And since relationships are fifty-fifty, I hope that when the time comes that I pose a challenge to him, he can summon up that same patience and understanding.

My best friend also has a history that has gone into making her into the person she is. I wouldn’t change a thing about her, but she has definitely has obstacles to overcome that influence her dealings with her family, her fiancé, and other people she interacts with. She never uses her history (both ancient and continuing) to excuse herself for anything… she takes full responsibility for her actions.

The bottom line is that no one is perfect. We all have those little (or big) things that go into shaping us, and some leave scars, both physical and emotional, that will never go away. But we need to choose to have people in our lives who kiss those scars, who gently trace them with their fingertips in acknowledgment that they are indeed there, but also know they do not make up the person as a whole; people who love us because we were once broken and we somehow pieced ourselves back together and are better for that. And for those of us who can not forget our scars, we just have to remember that we are bigger than them.

Practice patience, understanding, and just a little bit of selflessness. It won’t kill you. In fact, it may just help those scars fade just a little.