The Return of the Blog

And so it is that I return, hanging my head in shame. I, the "writer" (a title I have not recently earned), have not written in two and a half weeks.

I could say that I've been busy, but I haven't. I could say that I haven't had internet access, but I have. I could say that I had temporary paralysis due to a bad bit of sushi I ate and lost the use of both my hands, becoming unable to type all of the amazing thoughts that came into my head; alas, this would also be a lie.

I have no excuse, save for one. I have had nothing to write about.

But when people start to tell you that they've missed your blog, you must put aside the search for something interesting to say, and say anything. As my dad says, "You're a writer. Writers always have something to write about."

So, having gotten that apology out of the way, I'm going to do some self-psychoanalysis.

For a really long time I had a job that drove me crazy, made me miserable, and gave me overwhelming amounts of agita. For some reason, though, this energy, however negative, gave me the fuel I needed to get through the days. Perhaps it was the electricity that comes from a heated emotion (anger, righteousness, judgment) or from simply complaining, but this energy kept me going.

Now, I have a job... if you can call it that... where I like my "boss" (who's really more like a friend, anyway), my opinion is not only respected but sought out, and my responsibilities are easy and fun. It doesn't even feel like a real job.

After a discussion with my father, it came to light that perhaps I am in withdrawal from the kind of kinetic charge that comes when I am angry, and I'm therefore trying to create something to be unhappy about (I've had a difficult time getting over my self-judgment over the fact that I'm doing nothing with my hard-earned degree).

I don't consider myself unhappy. To the contrary, I am very happy. I'm in a place in my life where I've done something I never thought I would (Ireland), I'm in a relationship that makes me thankful I didn't give up on love, I have amazing family and friends, and I (finally) don't hate my job.

Here's the thing: I'm worried that I spent so much time being miserable that I became used to it, and now that I'm not I'm going to self-sabotage to give me back that heat of negativity; that I begin to find reasons to dislike my job, start unnecessary fights with Boyfriend, stop calling back my friends... all so that I can be angry. This is my biggest fear.

I am not consciously (or otherwise, as far as I can tell) angry now. And if I forget that being happy is better than being angry, I hope I remember to return to this page and re-read this entry. Because I know that whatever job I have, whatever state I live in, whatever grad school I decide to go to, wherever I move when my lease is up, I have a good life. These are just decisions I have to make- but I have time, and they're all good opportunities for me. Maybe I work well with limits, and now that I am unlimited, I am overwhelmed.

Well, screw that. Now I'm going to get high off the endless possibilities my life has... no matter how difficult it is to choose a path.

I'm not going to get comfortable.